How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
Also lets pinky promise right now that we will NOT play "Pony" outside of each other's rooms if we have a hook up over
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
