Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
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