New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
Randomize
