I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
He made me a period mix..should I back out now?
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
Randomize
