I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
Randomize
