I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
Ben's a prick.
What Ben are you talking about?
All the bens across all the lands
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
Randomize
