Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
the way i see it, im about one adderall binge away from graduating
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
Randomize
