Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
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