I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
Wouldn't it be fantastic if the corporate world cared less about about our GPA and focused more on our mastery of social drunkenness?
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
Can we pretty pretty please go to Mardi Gras tomorrow? I promise I'll be a good girl and not puke in a pledges car
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
Randomize
