is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
Idk I think he's weird but he's also from Wisconsin so that might have something to do with it.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
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