broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
Randomize