Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
I obviously couldn't but this on your fbook wall. I would get judge. I would willingly get tbagged by him. You can quote me on that.
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
