please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
Randomize
