my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Randomize
