You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
They wear helmets and mouth pieces when they drink...u down?
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
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