yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
Randomize
