I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
I think weed is turning my hair brown
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Randomize
