if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
