I swear she didn't look like that last week.
I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
Randomize
