He said if I blew him first he'd last longer....if 3 minutes is lasting longer, I'm not sure the bj was worth it
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
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