I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
I got date raped at Sigma Chi last night!
Dude, you never made it to Chi last night. You fell into a tree and passed out.
i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
Randomize