Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
he was cumming and all I could think about was the pathway of sperm the in penis. thanks a lot nursing
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
