Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
Hhahaha he is. Omg the new polish friend just took his pants off in front of me. There is something wrong with this nationality.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
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