My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
Randomize
