Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
Randomize
