lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
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