I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Randomize
