I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
im almost positive that in mid thrust she told me she was pro choice
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
Randomize
