guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
Wow just saw this. Nothing like a little anal sex to ring in 2012.
And now she's hand feeding me pork rines and showing me her angry birds high scores. This is Vegas.
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
Randomize
