I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
Girls only wine night turned into a sloppy drunk lesbian orgy again
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
Just don't have "pin the tail on the straight edge" as a party game... Please and thanks...
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
Randomize
