he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Randomize
