The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
I don't see why you're so upset, it's not like you were wearing pants either.
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
I really hope the fuck ferry pays me a visit to close out 2011 properly.
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
Randomize
