I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
All I remember is yelling at him to admit he liked Bon Jovi, then accusing him of giving love a bad name.
Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize
