The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
Randomize
