Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
One day. I will touch his hair. I'm curious if it'll be like a soft cloud.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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