Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
Randomize
