She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
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