I'm already going to be stripping so like pretty much you would just be watching me. Also we're watching twilight. again.
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
Not sure. All I know is that she has a tight dark green skirt and I will not rest until I have used my teeth to rip it off of her
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
Randomize
