I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
Randomize
