Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
Randomize
