Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
It is not if she takes a guy home Karaoke night. It is how many.
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
Randomize
