I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
