I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
i think the world will end when pigs can fly. think about it, everyone says blah blah when pigs fly. so shit would be going down if they ever can.
oh fuck your right
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
Randomize
