we used that portable toilet as a cooler to keep coronas. next person who tells me hospitals arn't fun needs to come party in rm 180.
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Randomize
