Not only do prius' look terrible they are terrible to have sex in
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
WHY AREWNT YOU HERE SO MUCH FUN STUFF DO IT GET IN CAR NOW caps lock
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
Randomize
