Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
Every time you buy a sobe you buy a bong.
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
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