it hasn't hit me that college is over yet. so far at home, i haven't brushed my teeth, taken off my makeup, or changed clothes before bed.
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
at a bar and heard one girl tell another her tampon string was showing she goes i dont want it in anymore anyways. then proceeds to pull out her tampon in the middle of the bar and leave it on a plate. ewwww
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
No period for spring break; use this wisely.
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
