I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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