I think men at large are the problem in most or all relationships. It's like trying to drag a three-legged retarded puppy through an obstacle course
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
I NEED TO NOT REMEMBER THIS IN THE MORNING. He is our TEACHER.
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
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