Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
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