I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
and I asked her"are you allergic to condoms latex like your older sister " she said "Idk this is gonna be my 1time"
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
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