we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
Randomize
