I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
