i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
Randomize
