Betty ford says i'm here all night
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Give me the sexing that I truly desire and I will reveal to you the mysterious location of the PBR's
Randomize
