I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
Randomize
