i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how concerned should I be
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Randomize
