The pirates hijacked 3 more ships today!!
we need a boat to join in
Obama is on top of it we'd get killed within mins, but we'd live in legend foreva
if i can run in heels then i can drive
so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
I no longer see him as a simple set of male genitalia attached to a very sexy body. The title "trophy fuck" seems wrong. Damn.
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
Randomize
