girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
that girl is introducing herself into your group of friends one dick at a time.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
"YOU ALWAYS BEEN A HOE YOU ALWAYS GONE BE A HOE. THAT'S JUST THE WAY IT'S GONE BE." overheard at temple
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
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