I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Pooping to opera.
Randomize
