Do you still have your period?
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
Randomize
