Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
My history teacher just took his shirt off cuz the classroom was to hot. And then he invited us all to join him.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
Randomize