I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
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