I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
I want a musical about memes.
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
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