I just rolled a spliff on a dora the explorer tv tray. Preschool education meet afterschool special.
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
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