You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
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