I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
Randomize
