My friends, they love my intelligence
i would punch a child for taco bell
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
Please don't use social media to get back at me.
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
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